Bye London!

I can’t handle this anymore.  I don’t know  how many Friday and Saturday nights he has ruined by switching his phone off and going out on the piss – sometimes it feels like this is all I ever experience every weekend.  When I’m away he acts so nice, then I come back and it’s the same old shit.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve asked him to just text occasionally throughout the night.  To let me know who he’s out with, and to let me know he’s home safe.  He insists on acting like a 21 year old and pissing his money up the wall then staying out all night and not calling me until the following lunchtime.  I just can’t do it anymore, I don’t want this.  I didn’t sign up for this.  He’s pushed me into a corner where the only decision is to pack my shit and get the hell out of the city, find somewhere new to settle down and new faces to make me smile.  He makes me smile less and less each time he does this.

I’ve just come back from almost two weeks away in Scotland, and is he pleased to see me?  Is he on my doorstep with a bunch of flowers? (unrealistic, maybe)  Is he even calling to see if we can do stuff this weekend?  No, he’s too busy drinking with a bunch of children from his work who know fuck all about life and how the world works.  Each day he works there he becomes more like them and less like an actual adult. I’ve come ‘home’ to be greeted by the cat; the only person who missed me whilst I was away it seems. I don’t know why I bothered coming back at all, to be honest – if home is where people who love you are then this is as far from home as it’s possible to get!

He doesn’t care that it hurts me, doesn’t care about anything as long as he’s having fun and getting pissed.  He acts like he’s 18 when he’s 27.  When he goes to college it will only become worse, he drinks too much, smokes too much and generally can’t look after himself.  And I don’t want a babysitting job.  You’d think someone that clever would have things a bit more together, but for someone so intelligent he  plays dumb well enough to be cast as an extra in Dumb & Dumber.  Or maybe the starring role in the remake.

All I know is, I’m not wasting one more night of my life worrying about him, stressing about where he is and what he’s doing.  If he wants to do stupid shit, let him.  When he wakes up alone clutching a bottle of alcohol in ten years time then maybe he’ll feel regretful.  Alone is how he’s pretty much going to be for the forseeable future if he carries on treating people this way.

I want out, and I intend to put the wheels in motion on a plan to move away from London without even letting people know.  It’s my life – everyone else seems to barge ahead making their own decisions without caring about anyone else, so I think it’s time I did the same.  Whether it will be Paris or Scotland, I don’t yet know.  I just know that if I stay here another 6 months I’ll end up with my wrists slashed in a bathtub, the way he makes me feel sometimes.  I’ve never met anyone so selfish in my whole life, and I’m finally tired of being treated so badly for the last three years.  Someone out there will treat me better.

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Becoming you

I don’t need your negativity.
Your constant words of damning shame, the blame, the moaning just because of hate
The way you think too little too late
The crimes that others do to you
The way you’re shameless; blameless too
The kicks that hit me in the heart
The negative vibes you live to start
The why not me’s and it’s not fair
You think nobody seems to care
When really all you need to do
Is realise, it’s not them; it’s you
It’s you who creates the negative feelings, the whispers in the night, the wrong doings and dealings
That hurt others as much as they’ve hurt you
More in fact even if you don’t mean to
Because the way you look at the world
Is different now from when you were a little girl
And the happiness seemed just round the corner
But now it seems like you’re never getting warmer
Just colder, slowly from inside your heart
Wishing that you could go back to the start, before it all began, where you were still laughing and smiling
When the world seemed just a bit more beguiling
Just waiting to tempt you with all of its magic
Yet today the figure you cut is so tragic
That I hope I will never become who you are
And I know that’s not a nice thing to say but so far
It’s how you’ve made me feel and I can’t help but wonder
Where I would be now if I’d let you drag me under
Cuz instead I’m still floating although sometimes it’s barely
And the world I inhabit it’s hard but it’s there, and it’s filled with so many things that I adore
That it’s hard to think about what went on before
When you told me it was my fault; my mistake and my blunder
Sometimes I sit and I can’t help but wonder
What happened to take the joy out of your life
I know that there’s been pain and yes strife, but then everyone has it and deals in their own way
They don’t sit and moan making other people pay
They move on and they’re happy, they see good in the bad
I worry one day you will miss what you had
When you never realised the beauty at hand
Before things just didn’t turn out quite as you planned
But mostly I’m grateful that I can still see
The beauty in life and the people around me
The ones that I love and the happiest days
And of course life’s not perfect; but still I find ways
To see good in the bad days and push myself through
And I hope and I pray that I never become you.

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts

Yes, exactly

50 THINGS I WISH MY BOYFRIEND KNEW

1. I don’t need you to try and be superman for me, I just need you to be there.

2. Any battles we have, I want to face them together.

3. I’m self-conscious; whenever you’re with another girl, I worry they’re more fun to be around. Whenever we see a pretty girl, I worry you think they’re more pretty than me.

4. I hate how many close female friends you have. When you’re talking to them, I wish you pulled me closer so I could feel more secure. It’s hard to compete with that many friends of yours. It’s frustrating you have more close girl friends than guy friends.

5. When I’m mad at you, I want you to kiss away the anger.

6. When I ignore you, I want you to give me attention.

7. When I tell you I won’t text you so you can spend time with friends, I really just want you to argue with me and tell me i’m the one you want to talk to.

8. When you’re out and you hardly text me or don’t pay attention to what you’re texting, I feel irrelevant. I want you to have a good time but don’t tell me you’ll talk to me if you won’t.

9. When you do something unexpected, like send me an email, it makes my day.

10. I like it when you’re bold and make plans for us.

11. Consult your guy friends when we have problems so they can give you man advice, consult your girl friends when you’re stuck on things like presents- that’s when thinking like a girl helps (not when we have problems because girls make it more emotional and dramatic then it has to be).

12. Self-pity is not cute and makes me feel guilty.

13. Calling me cute makes me feel like your puppy.

14. I like love having sex with you.

15. I like being adventurous with you, trying new things and not caring about what people think.

16. I love your body- stop being so conscious about it or you’ll make me more conscious of mine.

17. I love and respect your dedication to gym, but there’s only so much gym talk we can have. Talk about gym with your guy friends more, not on all of our dates.

18. I like wearing your clothes because they make me feel wrapped up in you.

19. I’ll always wear the jewellery you buy me because looking at it makes me smile.

20. Don’t say things just to please me, it only makes me happy if you mean them.

21. I care about what your friends/family think about me.

22. sometime i would rather you try cheering me up if you know somethings wrong, rather than you asking me if everything is ok.

23. I never forget anything. Everything we’ve talked about i remember.

24. I love holding your hand, I don’t care who’s around.

25. Talk to me about us, not just your friends.
26. It means the world to me when you smile.
27. I love appreciating you and complimenting you, I’m not trying to be a crazy girlfriend.

28. I see our future together because being with you makes me happy and I never want it to end, I don’t do it because I’m a little girl who loves fairy tales.

29. You being unhappy in this relationship breaks my heart more than if you break up with me.

30. I like looking at you while you drive because I notice more things about you that I think are adorable.

31. I don’t like it when you make decisions for me.

32. When i’m stressed out or worried, I’d like your advice. You saying “you’ll be fine” stresses me out more.

33. Our relationship is not the same as it was in the first 2 months we were together and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss it sometimes.

34. Sometimes i want to make an extra effort with my hair or make up or outfit or wear a pair of heels even though I hate them. This is to make you feel more proud of me being your girlfriend and so you may think “wow, I’m lucky”… it means i’d love for you to notice, and when you do (which is often), I get filled with so much joy.

35. I like taking photos of you/us so that when we’re not together, I can look at them and smile.

36. I like having memories to look back on.

37. When I say less, most of the time it’s because I want you to say more.

38. I like it when you put your arm around me. On the train, in the cinema, on the sofa.. wherever.

39. I’d rather you act consistent in the way you treat me/act with me so that my emotions can be consistent too. This would cause less fights.

40. Sometimes I’m being sarcastic or just saying things to make you happy, but when you don’t realise it, I feel crappy. For example, when I said you should go to your friends house before her match to pick her up, I never really wanted you to. I’m sorry I can be like this, it all stems from being bitter that I can’t be there. It’s not something I like doing, sometimes I just can’t help being a bit of a bitch.

41. I hate me nagging just as much as you do.

42. I like hearing that you miss me.

43. I prefer you being original to doing what I want all of the time.

44. The way you say I love you matters.

45. I don’t need you to say you love me all the time.

46. When i compliment you or say I love you out of the blue or express some kind of happiness and you respond with “awww ok” or “lol stop being silly!”, you make me feel pathetic and stupid and I instantly regret it.

47. Ask to see me because you want to see me, not just because you know i love seeing you.

48. When you’re upset me, what I’m really annoyed at is how much I love you because it makes me not want to be upset/angry and forget anything ever happened.

49. I really do love you.

50. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts

Excited

So for once it’s an exciting Tuesday night – off to the cinema to see The Hobbit (not my choice of film!) and then for some pizza. Yay! It will be nice to get out and be social, even if I am watching my money. Looking forward to it!!

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts

Jealousy

It must be nice to never experience jealousy or worry when someone you care about is on a night out. To not wonder at all who they’re speaking to, where they are, who they’re with, who’s trying to speak to them. Maybe some people just either have that incredible level of trust and confidence that they don’t worry or wonder, or maybe they’re just not that bothered.

I’ve never felt like somebody cared about me enough for me to not worry. But it must be so nice.

I am honestly heartbroken, again.

I love that boy so much. We had the best summer of my whole life – his birthday was amazing, our holiday to Brussels was the most fun I’ve ever had, and my birthday was beautiful 🙂 I never thought anybody could make me so happy.

And I really thought we were making a go of this. Maybe that was stupid, and maybe I’ve been naive. But I thought we could work through any issues and be together. I wanted to support him through college, watch him become a happy, satisfied property developer or plumber, find us a little flat in the country, with a cat, and a puppy. And live everyday like we did in Brussels, feeling like I had everything I wanted.

And now he’s ripped that out from under me a second time, out of the blue, a week after our 2 year weekend. And I just don’t understand.

He won’t speak to me and all of a sudden there is so much I want to tell him. The things I saw today that reminded me of him and made me laugh. How my big day went. And I’m a second away from dialling when I remember.

For some reason he hates me now. And that hurts me more than anything could ever hurt. I don’t think I’ll ever smile again. 😦

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts

Wrong

There’s something very wrong with me. Arguing, conflict, fear makes me so excited and desperate to please. It bring out my inner submissive to the point of being uncontrollable. It makes me want to serve, suffer, be used. Like I said. There’s something very wrong with me.

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts

The boy’s cat Dave passed away 😦

Felt so sad when I heard. And wished I could just bundle him up and give him a big hug. But he’s with his family, who will be sad about Dave too. Dave was secretly always my favourite kitty. A little bit mental and ginger, and so cuddly. I’ll miss him 😦

I hope my boy is ok – have sent him a couple of texts but I know he’ll be sad, so am just leaving him to it for now. Am going to give him a big hug when I see him 😦

By Depressed Dorothy Posted in Thoughts