I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know how many Friday and Saturday nights he has ruined by switching his phone off and going out on the piss – sometimes it feels like this is all I ever experience every weekend. When I’m away he acts so nice, then I come back and it’s the same old shit.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve asked him to just text occasionally throughout the night. To let me know who he’s out with, and to let me know he’s home safe. He insists on acting like a 21 year old and pissing his money up the wall then staying out all night and not calling me until the following lunchtime. I just can’t do it anymore, I don’t want this. I didn’t sign up for this. He’s pushed me into a corner where the only decision is to pack my shit and get the hell out of the city, find somewhere new to settle down and new faces to make me smile. He makes me smile less and less each time he does this.
I’ve just come back from almost two weeks away in Scotland, and is he pleased to see me? Is he on my doorstep with a bunch of flowers? (unrealistic, maybe) Is he even calling to see if we can do stuff this weekend? No, he’s too busy drinking with a bunch of children from his work who know fuck all about life and how the world works. Each day he works there he becomes more like them and less like an actual adult. I’ve come ‘home’ to be greeted by the cat; the only person who missed me whilst I was away it seems. I don’t know why I bothered coming back at all, to be honest – if home is where people who love you are then this is as far from home as it’s possible to get!
He doesn’t care that it hurts me, doesn’t care about anything as long as he’s having fun and getting pissed. He acts like he’s 18 when he’s 27. When he goes to college it will only become worse, he drinks too much, smokes too much and generally can’t look after himself. And I don’t want a babysitting job. You’d think someone that clever would have things a bit more together, but for someone so intelligent he plays dumb well enough to be cast as an extra in Dumb & Dumber. Or maybe the starring role in the remake.
All I know is, I’m not wasting one more night of my life worrying about him, stressing about where he is and what he’s doing. If he wants to do stupid shit, let him. When he wakes up alone clutching a bottle of alcohol in ten years time then maybe he’ll feel regretful. Alone is how he’s pretty much going to be for the forseeable future if he carries on treating people this way.
I want out, and I intend to put the wheels in motion on a plan to move away from London without even letting people know. It’s my life – everyone else seems to barge ahead making their own decisions without caring about anyone else, so I think it’s time I did the same. Whether it will be Paris or Scotland, I don’t yet know. I just know that if I stay here another 6 months I’ll end up with my wrists slashed in a bathtub, the way he makes me feel sometimes. I’ve never met anyone so selfish in my whole life, and I’m finally tired of being treated so badly for the last three years. Someone out there will treat me better.